i permit you to call me
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
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