just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
