I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
