I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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