I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
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