I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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