My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
