I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
