My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
