Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
