New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
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