ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
Boobs are out for the taking
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Randomize
