Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
