So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize