im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
As shirtless as possible
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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