Well to be completely honest its more of a 'i wanna do things to you that your parents would not enjoy hearing about' mood
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
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