I puked a lego.
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
