So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
These tits shall not be calmed
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
