either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
Randomize
