decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
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