I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
