Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
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