Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
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