I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
