I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
