I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
Randomize
