I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Randomize