my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
