It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Randomize
