okay pat passed out under dana's car
i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Randomize
