my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
