Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
