A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
