What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
Randomize
