I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
Can I color on your dick again?
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Randomize
