I can tuck mytits in my pants
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Randomize
