Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Randomize
