Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Randomize
