i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
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