First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
Randomize
