my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Randomize
