My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Randomize
