She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I need mimosas to revive my soul
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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