That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Randomize
