You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
