i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
Randomize
