Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
you only had a canadian ten, but you said it was all good cuz you would just by molson.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
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