Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Randomize
