Well how sick are u. Ive got a good immune system.
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
