Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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