You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
