apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
