I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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