I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
I think I just shit out all my problems.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Randomize
