nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
It's like God shit irony all over that family
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
