The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Randomize
