you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
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