y did u give ur computer a hand job?
I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
