Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Mom said you looked used
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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