I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
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