I wish I could punch you in the face.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
