I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
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