Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
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