i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Randomize
